The Joy of Commuting

Recently my commute to work has become so chaotic due to people behaving inhumane. In fact it can be quite amusing to see people fighting for a space on a train, the excuse they make for being late and all the palava about getting a seat to commute in style.

Although this morning was by no means any different, a woman who decided to occupy the space behind me was going a bit too far. She had a massive hand bag over her shoulder, which was poking my lower back and ribs. I turned round and politely asked her to move it away from my kidneys! She obviously was not happy to be told such a thing and frowned back at me rolling her eyes back and around. Honestly, she looked so silly!

As the train moved slowly on the way to its final destination, this same woman continued now to lean on my back. To make matters worse as she was leaning on me, she was constantly moving. I could only guess that she was putting things in and out of her massive hand bag! After minutes of what it seemed like eternity I turned around and confronted this woman who obviously was not happy to occupy just a space on this packed train, but she wanted to occupy my space too. When I called her a leaner she was offended. When I said maybe she should be more independent in her life rather then leaning on other people she was furious and kept saying “but I do not lean on you!” By way of a monologue then I said: Oh, and what’s this heavy something resting on my back? Oh, its YOU leaning on ME! after which fellow passengers started laughing! How embarrassing! So now all of a sudden our affair became everyone’s affair. And suddenly but ever so subtly more space was created around me. A guy standing next to me moved slightly to his right and I moved towards him in the new space created just for me!

Call it approval or sympathy, you should know that getting a bit more space on trains these days is a complete and utter luxury.

Oh dear, dear! What a journey!..M

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Subtle Energy

Today, I went hiking up the mountain. All alone…In fact i was not alone. I had lots of thoughts drowning my consciousness. In practice somehow I always start hiking heavy, carrying lots and lots on my mind but by the end, I become much lighter with a strong sense of clarity, purity and positivity. It always seams easier to reenergise when being surrounded by nature, mountains, trees, snow and ice.

For a moment, I thought of you and instead of looking up into infinity, I looked down. Surprisingly, in-between patches of ice and frozen leaves I saw this beautiful white quartz crystal. Its qualities reminded me of you. It was whiter then the whitest snow, and shinier then the brightest star. I knew I am honoured by your presence. I picked it up. Holding the crystal in my hand I continued climbing up.

Although the weather was crispy cold and the hiking path up the mountain was icy and full of snow, the crystal kept me warm and safe on the journey…M

Tears of the Giraffe

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He is tough, he is agressive, he is full of life. Always protective and excessively ambitious. He brought his family over few days ago. Instead of cheer, he brought unwelcome news to me. His eyes have seen and his ears have heard what he should not have witnessed. I could see his face had become older in the past months. He knew things are unpleasant, however, never thought they would get truly unbearable to handle. He brought sadness with him, disappointment, worry. Although he was always the one who knew how to help one get better, he stood helpless in front of me. He felt ashamed, powerless, heart broken. He did not have anything to say. He shook his head in disbelieve. He could not control them any more; tears rolled down his cheeks.

He took my hands and kept them between his for long. I could feel the energy warming up my hands, sailing through my arms right inside my heart.

He gave me a warm ‘jungle’ drink, which will allow me to become stronger. So he said. While I was drinking, he was looking around; the mountain view was breathtaking. The air was crisp, bringing a much wanted clarity. Engrossing every bit of the surroundings, he breathed a sigh of relief…He mentioned a name but I did not hear him well. Instantly he got quite distant. I could not see his face clearly anymore. He stayed as a black silhuette in the distance. My limbs become numb, my lips were cold, my eyes stayed shut and all I could feel was the warmth inside me…M

Hoping Against Hope

My days are nights and my nights are days… And everyone that I know says it can only get better…Yay…I am holding on to this statement by a strong rope made of hope, expecting that better might happen any moment. But with each event unfolding, my rope is getting thinner and thinner. What’s left is the hope dangling it’s weight above my life.

I am standing at the bus stop waiting for a bus. It is absolutely pouring. My thoughts are traveling back in time…

One rainy day, many years back, when I was just a young student in this city, I shared a shelter with elderly gentleman. We both waited for a bus, to take us to a different episodes in our lives. While sharing that moment in time together, he shared a wise thought with me.

– Good deeds are coming to those who are prepared to wait patiently. And in this rajasic city, one has to be grateful of any achievement accomplished. – said the old man and got ready for boarding.

The bus he intended to board arrived, and I saw his contented round face in the window waiving his umbrella back at me as the bus pulled off. His eyes were full of hope and his smile full of joy.

I stood there, where he left me, waiting and waiting. The old man made me think about some of us humans. How some are never grateful about who they are, where they are, and what they have achieved so far. And yet, are so scared of starting something different, learning something new, creating something beautiful. They hold a belief that change might require long time to be accomplished, or it might be too expensive to afford it and give up, never making that first so important step. Shortly after, they loose focus, concentration and scatter their thoughts all over. They become unhappy, lost, scared and eventually become so hopeless that they end up being useless. At the beginning, this is their intimate affair only, but later on, it is spreading onto their family, partners and friends, who once have nurtured their belief. Eventually they’ve lost all that trust that connects people together.

A bus pulled in and opened its doors. Only then I realised I was the only one waiting. The driver must had seen me and stopped for me to get on. Despite being the bus I intended to board, did not get on. I was not ready to face some of us humans. I was not ready to go, not this time, not yet…M

Milky Way, All the Way

They say, Milky Way is the Galaxy, which houses our planet Earth. It is a glowing band, white like milk, home to 200-400 billion stars.

Well, like the macro Galaxy, my Milky Way contains 200-400 billion droplets of milk, each and every one responsible for growth. Each droplet means life, survival and existence.

These days I feel, it will be easier for me to take you around the Galaxy and back, to show you how beautiful journey that can be, then to explain how demanding breast feeding can be. Particularly that it can happen day and night, anything from few minutes to few hours. And yet, nobody told me how exhausting and equally how boring process this can be. Whenever I start thinking this way, the following happens:

– “All you career oriented girls, please always remember, it helps bonding with your child”. I can hear Coral’s voice, my midwife, in my head. “Our women”, referring to Caribbean women, “do this so naturally. Can do it anywhere, even on a crowded bus”…oops…

Fine, fine, l decided to compete with every Caribbean mum, and show them how important that is to us, European mums, but avoiding crowded buses if possible… So, I took the plunge, took the bull by it’s horns, as they say, and dived deep into this milky flow state of affairs.

So, now I am questioning, do these Carribean women have tougher ‘mammas’? To me It seams like they might be having a leathery ones. Or maybe their babies have lighter suckle. Whichever way, my reality seem to be grim and mostly unpleasant. So, I felt like a solution was required and like any other modern European mum, went to seek help from www and forums to find some sort of aid to help me compete without giving up. Sure enough, when you are looking for something, you will most definitely find it…Soon after…Eureka…A pure revelation… A solution comes my way. God bless the ‘mammas’ shields…

After few weeks, I was so happilly feeding away, until I went to see Coral once again. After my introduction about my new way of feeding, she did not say much but her face was worth a thousand words. So, in true Carribean spirit I left my shields in my bag temporarely and gave my son a real pleasure.

You may judge me and you may have your own opinion, but trust me I tried and did my best. Realised that administering is not that important after all. Keeping my milky flow running and its nutrients is of a greater importance then giving up and letting Caribbean mammas win over Europeans…M

Planet M

Thinking whether to tell you the truth or something beautiful, I decided to stick to the truth all the way. I hope that it will make you proud and honoured and fill you with joy and smiles…

My recent life changing event, left me with two hearts, one small and blissfully unaware of the reality and other one confused and shocked. As time goes by it was inevitable to learn that everything happens for a reason and this is the reason that makes me stronger, makes me a better person in some way or another. Little time was required to recover, away from any obstacles, negativities and ugly forces. Little time was required to rewrite my goals, my objectives and my dreams. Although, my words are my reality, my dreams are keeping me alive!

And as it is in life, at time least expected, we come accross people who bring a smile on our face. People who do inspire and keep us moving. People who can enter our dreams and generously share their aspirations, love and kindness. Many of these people we meet will become friends for life, and will form part of our character. And yes you are right, I don’t even know you, I haven’t even met you, neither seen you, and yet I’ve felt tremendous kindness and positivity radiating from your end.

So, by coincidence or simple synchronicity (who knows), I named my baby boy Marko. My little warrior was very eager to arrive earlier, to meet me, to show me his gratitude and true value in life. He came out very quickly, causing as little pain as possible, and as little damage as possible…

And trully, he gets all my affection, he is my little precious soul, my dragon, my little tigarce and my creator. I wish I could share my joy and be part of a family but my reality is very much a lonely journey, designed for endless strive to achieve and be entirely responsible for another being.

Truthfully, don’t even know if I ever be able to meet you, neither that these words will be read by you and yet I felt obliged to write them down.

Anyhow, maybe nothing is clear for the future, but the fact that I’ve equipped myself for the worst that life can throw at me, gives me great strength and confidence to walk forward. And as promised…There is no option of giving up at any point in my life.

With great hope for love and light on this journey,

M&M

Live boldly, follow your dreams, take risks, look after your friends and smile when the mountain is steepest…Bear Grylls

Expectation

Time is slowly bringing my precious day closer. Each morning I wake up questioning are you going to meet me today? Will today be that special day? Will today reveal the moment when we see each other and exchange a smile?
Day goes by and no sign of you…Anticipation is growing, adrenalin is moving with urgent haste and patience thinning slowly.

I don’t want to wait, confused of how you will feel, imagining what you will look like. Will your eyes be smoky green, your hair wavy or maybe you will have dimples on your cheeks…It is just a torture thinking about it. But how could I not think about you when I can feel every move you make, every kick, every hiccup you have, we share the air we breathe and nutrients we eat. We share the same thoughts and energies and we live in the same vibrational world.

You are the world that my mind is spinning around…My little precious one…M

Dragon’s breath

What is it that creates doubt in my mind that people who I thought are caring, dear and loving, now project different messages around them? Suddenly, their thoughts are becoming sharp and hurting and their words are bringing pain and sorrow. Is it me, have I changed? Maybe now I can see the truth being spoken through different language. Has something happened to me that has increased my intuition and instinct to protect my being and my loved one? Am I becoming paranoid that they grow intention to hurt me, to feed from my source until the last drop of it is left inside me. How long will they be feeding of me? Will this action be endless and painful?

What’s more fascinating is the fact that these people, called vulchers like the scavenging birds, can only see my first layer of my being; my physical body, called Annamaya kosha. This layer is made of matter, created by the type of foods I eat. It manifests my physical appearance, colour of my cheeks, the length of my smile and any tiny wrinkles present on my face. This layer creates a veil over other layers underneath and gives illusion of who I really am. Underneath, there are four other layers much more subtle and very specific to each individual; energy layer, called prannamaya kosha, which represents subtle movement and expansion of the being. It can stretch far more then the physical body and it can be seen in different colours glowing around the body. Next, the mind, or mental layer, which is depicted by the formation of our thoughts, emotions and influence of senses. Next below is the layer of the ego, vigyanamaya, and last, most internal is the layer of bliss, anandamaya kosha. These vulchers of people do not have a capacity to experience and feel the vibration of these internal koshas. Simply because their mind is wired up to get connected to what their eyes can see. Unfortunately they are never able to develop that internal sensor for discovering the beauty of other beings.

What other people can’t see also is underneath my 5 layers, sleeps one beautiful Dragon. This Dragon is so soft and cuddly and he occupies the most pure form of life. It is part of me that I love the most. With each breath he nourishes my trueself, creating peace and contentment. It can become bigger with every gratitude I give and every kind word I receive. It is my source of creativity and inspiration, intuition and love. Although, he can be asleep for decades his powers are occurring each and every day. Totally harmless he rests coiled up comfortably inside my being, fed by the Shiva-Shakti love-energies and always prepared to be awaken when needed. In fact, he knows when is the right time to wake up. He can sense my energy levels and the health of my heart and he acts accordingly. Each time I require more energy he sends some through my nadis, activating the energy centres, directing the flow to that place, where it is needed the most. If a place is broken will be repaired and healed in no time, and if hurt, it will be nurtured and nourished until it becomes reinvigorated. The cycle of creation and distraction is supported by his unconditional love, that radiates from his being.

However, when harmful ‘guests’ are detected and negative trail of thoughts or energies are sensed, in order to protect, my Dragon turns his breath into an ocean of fire, burning everything and anything on the way. He can be very rude and ruthless, powerful and deeply uncomfortable. His energies can create heat, which can cause tremendous damage and emotional scars to those who managed to provoke him.

Once these powerful energies have been evoked, he coils back inside, resting peacefully and connecting back to the source. And I? I become a different person altogether. The Dragon has changed my thoughts, my perception and communication with others. I start to exist at a level of higher energy, reaching to a higher vibration, followed by emotions more complex then ever before…M

Broken Pieces

When I was a little girl, every last month of the year, I was thought to sit quietly in my room and write a list of what I like to be given as a gift, that will make me a better person in the year ahead. It could have taken me days to do my list, as everything written was supposed to justify my parents spenditure. If I haven’t have made a good case for some gifts, they would have fallen off the list immediately.

For most of the gifts I needed to fight my case in order to get them. Although, some gifts I have received on an emotional basis, I have been given some simply because they were practical. However, the fact of the matter is that I was getting away with most of my wishes; winter holidays, youth camps, swimming lessons, driving lessons, cookery, pottery and massage courses, toys and later on, electronic gadgets and computers.

So, after leaving my parents home, things have changed. Rather then thinking and buying gifts that will improve my skills and talents, it was the case of buying gifts that will impress others, will surprise them and make others happy. So, what happened to the little girl inside me? Did she forget who she really is? Doesn’t she have any more wishes just for her? Has she lost the will to achieve, to progress and develop further?

Another end of the year is approaching. I am sitting quietly in my house, listening to the silence around me. Although holding a pen my thoughts are dwelling in the past, listing through the catalogue of disastrous events that have happened this year. And what should I say? Shall I be glad that this year is tailing off, leaving behind broken pieces that can never be reconstructed or should I say I am glad that the new year is approaching?

What was so mystical about 2011 that every event turned out wrongly? And all the events around me were worst then ever before. What sort of energy field we were living in?

Let’s just tap inside and try to awaken the little girl inside me. She was much more fun to be with, free spirit and maker of her own destiny. Let me see if she likes to come out and face the reality as it is, at this stage in my life. Let me see what she will say how I have progressed and where I have ended up. Will she be proud, will she be crying and be sad, or will she be happy to take charge all over again? Who knows…

Future is not ours to see, que sera, sera….M

Desert Wind

Desert Wind

“Gratitiude can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” – Unknown

After a period of denial and negativity, just when I thought that all my cards have crumbled under the forces of life, considering everything what I have done and created so far has become worthless, and when darkness surrounds my heart, four souls are being brought to me to lighten up my life.

It comes time when we have to face the truth that some actions are meant to be avoided simply because of health reasons. I have come to realise that I simply have to step back and let others take over. Let others put the show in light, and let them create the show without me.

But how to let my mind accept all these, when all my life I have been capable of thinking and acting, completing most of the achievements all on my own.

This said, I found myself astonished to discover that it had been so easy to accept an offer, it just took some good words to be spoken and a bit of persuading from a very dear friends of mine, which were enough to give in.

Brushes, rollers, paint buckets, old newspapers, willing hearts and skillful hands were needed to cover my past, with yet another fresh coat of paint. And another one after and a third one to finish. My stubborn past finally gave in, cracking its solidity and slowly softening its claws under the silky, smooth strokes of the soft brissles of the brushes and the continuous roll of the rollers, to eventually let the future take over. The yellowishy old walls were painted over with lighter, more vibrant, full of life and space, ‘Desert Wind’ colour. So that finnally the remains from my past were painted over and left behind to be consciously forgotten forever.

With thoughts of brightness, positivity and freedom I allowed myself to fly out, at least for a moment to experience breath of fresh air, freeing my soul of any threads from the past. While my angels were fighting with the winds from my past, I was left alone, in most peaceful and creative spirit to make warm, delicious dinner for all of us to share and enjoy.

On this journey of self-discovery it was innevitable to learn that it is impportant to let people be there for you. People who simply like to share their free time with attribution of responsibility to bring beauty to my life. People who dare to help and people who dare to share their love. I have been blessed with eternal light. Having four souls brightening my life, who have shared their loughs, jokes, sweat and hope and whose selfless service created something magical, something wonderful for my two hearts. Friends who can see the real values in life.

Forever most grateful….M

‘Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart’….Unknown