236g of Happiness

If you are making a carrot cake, you might need 236g of grated carrots. If you are making a sand castle, you might need 236g of sand. If you are painting, you might need 236g of paint. To bake a spelt bread, you might need 236g of spelt flour. To make a smoothy, you might require 236g of accai berries. If you decide to make a parfume, you might require 236g of essential oils. So, as you might have noticed, the 236g ought to be a desired quantity of an ingredient to create something beautiful. And yes, beautiful can be anything from grain of sand to droplet of milk, depending on how you see it.

In my own world, 236g is the weight of one dirty nappy. Yesterday, there was a surprise in my little family, as we broke our record. The haviest and most soaked up of all so far. It is kind of scary to believe that these 236g has contributed to my happiness. Earlier, I would have never thought that I would be recording all the dirty nappies in 24 hours, not elsewhere, but on the chalk board in the kitchen, believe it or not! To add to this, never would have believed to use my kitchen weighing scale to weigh dirty nappies either.

And not to mention that I eagerly check the content of each and every nappy, and openly talk about it, even write about it. I never thought I will spend minutes analasing closely what colour and what consistency it might be. Is it yellow or mustardy yellow? Is it green or pale green? Is it runny, or quite soft and creamy? I am sorry this might sound like a poo connoisseur, but checking that the much awaited content is producing sweet honey like smell is equally important, then just judging by it’s colour.

As you might have gathered, my world has truly changed and what was once easy and pretty much straight forward lifestyle, it has become complex and most definitely weird. Truthfully, I can not wait to see how many more crazy and bizzare things will lighten up my days to come…M

New Beginning

He used to sit across the street, right across one bent and out of shape wooden door. He constantly kept staring at it. He looked like completely hypnotised person, as he kept staring at the door day and night. He gave an impression that was expecting someone to make an entry. At any time, someone to come out from his past and share his present, someone to dilute his sadness and loneliness.

On the outside though, there was a constant flow of people passing by, some were even stepping on or over his torn robes and yet nobody apologised or made contact with him. He stayed absolutely ignored.

I was intrigued to stand behind him just to see if at all he will move or even walk away. I desperately tried to understand why he sits here, motionless and breathless. I also wanted to know the connection between him and these doors, which once were straight, and beautiful. I wish i was able to understand what was so mystical about this place.

One morning, I gathered my courage and tapped on his shoulder. He did not seem to be disturbed, neither distructed by my voice. My curiosity was stronger then my pride. Without any reservation, I asked:

– What is it so special about these doors that make you spend your days staring at them?

Surprisingly, he did not move, neither he showed any interest to look into my eyes. He kept staring in front.

Eventually, as I was leaving, I heard him saying:

…A warped door. Some exits have no knob on the other side: move on and don’t go back: it’s futile: all you will find there is splinters…

In time, we all learn that life is complex network of paths, which in no doubt can be challenging, especially at a time when we are most sure of ourselves. Even as if we concously try to avoid, we become trapped in our awkward old ways of thinking. Slowly, we become weaker and on the verge of giving up, forgiving…then something comes our way…like a thunder lightning that strikes without mercy:

…”A warped door. Some exits have no knob on the other side: move on and don’t go back: it’s futile: all you will find there is splinters”…

Credits to Kirby. It came when most needed…M

Milky Way, All the Way

They say, Milky Way is the Galaxy, which houses our planet Earth. It is a glowing band, white like milk, home to 200-400 billion stars.

Well, like the macro Galaxy, my Milky Way contains 200-400 billion droplets of milk, each and every one responsible for growth. Each droplet means life, survival and existence.

These days I feel, it will be easier for me to take you around the Galaxy and back, to show you how beautiful journey that can be, then to explain how demanding breast feeding can be. Particularly that it can happen day and night, anything from few minutes to few hours. And yet, nobody told me how exhausting and equally how boring process this can be. Whenever I start thinking this way, the following happens:

– “All you career oriented girls, please always remember, it helps bonding with your child”. I can hear Coral’s voice, my midwife, in my head. “Our women”, referring to Caribbean women, “do this so naturally. Can do it anywhere, even on a crowded bus”…oops…

Fine, fine, l decided to compete with every Caribbean mum, and show them how important that is to us, European mums, but avoiding crowded buses if possible… So, I took the plunge, took the bull by it’s horns, as they say, and dived deep into this milky flow state of affairs.

So, now I am questioning, do these Carribean women have tougher ‘mammas’? To me It seams like they might be having a leathery ones. Or maybe their babies have lighter suckle. Whichever way, my reality seem to be grim and mostly unpleasant. So, I felt like a solution was required and like any other modern European mum, went to seek help from www and forums to find some sort of aid to help me compete without giving up. Sure enough, when you are looking for something, you will most definitely find it…Soon after…Eureka…A pure revelation… A solution comes my way. God bless the ‘mammas’ shields…

After few weeks, I was so happilly feeding away, until I went to see Coral once again. After my introduction about my new way of feeding, she did not say much but her face was worth a thousand words. So, in true Carribean spirit I left my shields in my bag temporarely and gave my son a real pleasure.

You may judge me and you may have your own opinion, but trust me I tried and did my best. Realised that administering is not that important after all. Keeping my milky flow running and its nutrients is of a greater importance then giving up and letting Caribbean mammas win over Europeans…M

Planet M

Thinking whether to tell you the truth or something beautiful, I decided to stick to the truth all the way. I hope that it will make you proud and honoured and fill you with joy and smiles…

My recent life changing event, left me with two hearts, one small and blissfully unaware of the reality and other one confused and shocked. As time goes by it was inevitable to learn that everything happens for a reason and this is the reason that makes me stronger, makes me a better person in some way or another. Little time was required to recover, away from any obstacles, negativities and ugly forces. Little time was required to rewrite my goals, my objectives and my dreams. Although, my words are my reality, my dreams are keeping me alive!

And as it is in life, at time least expected, we come accross people who bring a smile on our face. People who do inspire and keep us moving. People who can enter our dreams and generously share their aspirations, love and kindness. Many of these people we meet will become friends for life, and will form part of our character. And yes you are right, I don’t even know you, I haven’t even met you, neither seen you, and yet I’ve felt tremendous kindness and positivity radiating from your end.

So, by coincidence or simple synchronicity (who knows), I named my baby boy Marko. My little warrior was very eager to arrive earlier, to meet me, to show me his gratitude and true value in life. He came out very quickly, causing as little pain as possible, and as little damage as possible…

And trully, he gets all my affection, he is my little precious soul, my dragon, my little tigarce and my creator. I wish I could share my joy and be part of a family but my reality is very much a lonely journey, designed for endless strive to achieve and be entirely responsible for another being.

Truthfully, don’t even know if I ever be able to meet you, neither that these words will be read by you and yet I felt obliged to write them down.

Anyhow, maybe nothing is clear for the future, but the fact that I’ve equipped myself for the worst that life can throw at me, gives me great strength and confidence to walk forward. And as promised…There is no option of giving up at any point in my life.

With great hope for love and light on this journey,


Live boldly, follow your dreams, take risks, look after your friends and smile when the mountain is steepest…Bear Grylls